Let’s never disregard my favorite law enforcement euphemism, “Dynamic Entry.” Here in Birmingham, that’s what it’s called when the officers expect trouble. It usually works something like this, over the course of about, oh, three seconds:
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
“POLICE OPEN UP!”
(Once the door has been obliterated, much cussing and confusion and handcuffing follows.)
Or at least that’s what they testify to…instead of *CRASH*…cussing, confusion, handcuffing…”By the way, we have this warrant”… :)
This is why I recommend killing two birds with one stone.
1) Rhinos don’t mate in captivity
2) The whole “warrant” and “probable cause” hassle.
Since rhinos can smell water literally miles away and such, it’s safe to assume they have a great sense of smell. Using confiscated evidence, get them hooked on cocaine. Let them loose. Soon, we have jittery, ill-tempered rhinos with delusions of bugs under their thick skins wandering the streets of a modern metropolis.
Inevitably, they smell coke. They charge. No crack house can withstand the assault of a crazed rhino who’s jones is comin’ down. And when a rhino smashes through your door, flushing evidence down the toilet is one of the last things on your mind.
The police, who’ve been following the rhino from a safe distance (hey, this is an Animal Control problem), get to enter the scene without a warrant because they were in hot pursuit. Probable cause?
“Hey, we were trying to stop a rampaging rhino, the drugs were a bonus.”
As for mating in captivity: Give coke to female rhinos. Wait. Suddenly, captivity isn’t such a problem. Also, a willing female rhino out in the trailer might be the only way to entice a belligerent male out of a wrecked crack house.
In the words of the song:
“Bad boys bad boys,
Watcha gonna do,
Watcha gonna do when AAAAAAA!!!! Jesus Christ, it’s a f*****g rhinoceros! RUN!!!”
*stomp gore impale*
©1999 by Mark McFadden from an email to the Delta Green BBS