Memories of Dust and Bones

25 Mar

Events of the past few months have very much made me consider my earlier years and the memories thereof. More importantly, it has forced me to question just about everything that I remember, that I hold dear or that I thought was absolute truth for me.

The physical results of this are the clearout from hell around my house. Very little is sacred and nothing of potential saleability or removability has avoided a serious consideration of what it means to me. Does it hold special meaning? Is it something I will use or refer to? Or is it a leftover from a time where I had the luxury to try to obtain everything I might have a hankering to play with one day? Worse, is it the moldering carcass of some ‘approved’ pastime from my marriage, where I filled the vacuum of a loveless marriage with toys to distract me, or that made her feel safe or superior? I am not proud to admit that last category, but truth cannot be avoided if one is to progress.

Filling your life with things and toys is frequently an indicator of an underlying emptiness, and let me stand up right now and say that I am irrefutable proof that having money to burn cannot buy you happiness. It can buy you diversions to distract you, but it won’t fix the problem.

The mental and emotional results are far more interesting. I am reassessing my memories in the light of what I know. The memories are still there, but the context has changed as I realise that those involved in the memory probably saw more truth of me than I was prepared to face at the time. In example:

It is sobering to think how much my deeply religious great grandfather must have prayed for me, his eldest grandson and without question a sinner of the first water. He never said a word.

So, we come to the lesson from this… Hmmm. Difficult. Because if I had read this thirty-odd years ago, I doubt I’d have made three paragraphs. So, while admitting the danger of preaching to the converted;

Hindsight is a merciless thing. Never let your psyche take criticism from it, but do take lessons.

Never lie to yourself. It is so easy to do and so deadly in it’s results, which are always slow to mature. Always make the very best decision from the information you have at the time, and make damn sure that if you’re biasing your decision, be absolutely clear with yourself as to your reasons.

Never lie to your friends. Tell them what they need, even if they really do not want to hear it – however, timing is of the essence; you must judge the effects of your truth versus the effect of not revealing it.

Never lie if you can avoid it. These days I will omit, or refuse to answer, rather than lie. A direct question deserves a direct, honest answer or a direct statement that you cannot or will not reply, and the reason. But always be sure that explaining the reason does not betray the answer to the original question – I’ve done that and it’s a good way to be damned from all sides.

Enough waffle from me. Have fun, and may your gods go with you.

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Posted by on March 25, 2011 in Life & Self


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