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Category Archives: Humour

I have been told that I have a dark sense of humour. I also have the British love of dry wit and sarcasm, although my abilities with both are more questionable.

Who Needs S.W.A.T.?

Let’s never disregard my favorite law enforcement euphemism, “Dynamic Entry.” Here in Birmingham, that’s what it’s called when the officers expect trouble. It usually works something like this, over the course of about, oh, three seconds:

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

“POLICE OPEN UP!‚ÄĚ

*CRASH*

(Once the door has been obliterated, much cussing and confusion and handcuffing follows.)

Or at least that’s what they testify to…instead of *CRASH*…cussing, confusion, handcuffing…”By the way, we have this warrant”… ūüôā

This is why I recommend killing two birds with one stone.

1) Rhinos don’t mate in captivity

2) The whole “warrant” and “probable cause” hassle.

So:

Since rhinos can smell water literally miles away and such, it’s safe to assume they have a great sense of smell. Using confiscated evidence, get them hooked on cocaine. Let them loose. Soon, we have jittery, ill-tempered rhinos with delusions of bugs under their thick skins wandering the streets of a modern metropolis.

Inevitably, they smell coke. They charge. No crack house can withstand the assault of a crazed rhino who’s jones is comin’ down. And when a rhino smashes through your door, flushing evidence down the toilet is one of the last things on your mind.

The police, who’ve been following the rhino from a safe distance (hey, this is an Animal Control problem), get to enter the scene without a warrant because they were in hot pursuit. Probable cause?

“Hey, we were trying to stop a rampaging rhino, the drugs were a bonus.”

As for mating in captivity: Give coke to female rhinos. Wait. Suddenly, captivity isn’t such a problem. Also, a willing female rhino out in the trailer might be the only way to entice a belligerent male out of a wrecked crack house.

In the words of the song:

“Bad boys bad boys,

Watcha gonna do,

Watcha gonna do when AAAAAAA!!!! Jesus Christ, it’s a f*****g rhinoceros! RUN!!!‚ÄĚ

*stomp gore impale*

©1999 by Mark McFadden from an email to the Delta Green BBS

 

 

 
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Posted by on August 8, 2011 in Humour

 

Army Pipe Specification

Sent in to the Journal of the Institution of Diagnostic Engineers by a R.E.M.E. member.

1, All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centred around the hole.

2, All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3, The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside Diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4, All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date .

5, All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.

NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal time at the job site.

6, All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words ‚ÄúLONG PIPE‚ÄĚ clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.

7, All pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words ‚ÄúLONG PIPE‚ÄĚ painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or a short pipe.

8, All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE”¬† painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9, Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10, When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11, Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12, All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13, All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14, Joints in pipes for water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.

15, Lengths of pipes may be welded together or soldered together. This method not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16, Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

17, Scottish Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are NOT approved of in engineering circles.

Thanks to Pete C. for sharing this gem found while sorting his late father’s papers.

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2011 in Humour

 

Will Be Sadly Missed…

From The Times a few weeks ago and bouncing around the net ever since:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense¬†lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or a paracetamol to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense¬†took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his four stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim

Who have all filed for sole beneficiary status.

 
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Posted by on March 20, 2011 in Humour

 

Veritas

NEWSFLASH! Vatican has changed motto to

Opus dei pecunia alienum efficemus

Which is dog latin for:

‚ÄėDoing God’s work with other people’s money.‚Äô

 

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2011 in Humour

 

College Application

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2011 in Humour

 

The Dangers of Literal Interpretation


Background: Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident and also posted on the Internet:-

Dear Dr. Laura
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours.  They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can youclarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.¬† I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse & blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Anon.

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2011 in Humour

 

The Thermodynamics of Hell

The following is an actual question given on a McGill University chemistry mid-term Exam paper:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most people and their souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Abigail LeClerc during my Freshman year – that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I [go out] with you” – and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in [dating] her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

 

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2011 in Humour

 
 
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